


Behave As it's Appraising.

by onlyeli



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Character Study, Other, i have favourites and i am angry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 19:03:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12372069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlyeli/pseuds/onlyeli
Summary: When battling quantum nanotechnology, closing off parts of your brain becomes second nature.It’s an art form, Rich will argue good naturedly. It’s a skill, fine-tuned only when you’ve faced death and come out kicking. It’s something that you practice, hone with both hands and a third eye. He can joke about it all he likes, but it catches up with him when he’s alone.He’s alone a lot. More than he likes and more than he’d realised.





	Behave As it's Appraising.

**Author's Note:**

> i love rich a hell of a lot and i feel like a lot of people gloss over the fact that   
> 1\. no one noticed him freshman year and mostly likely didn't notice how he changed/that he was even the same guy   
> 2\. no one cared about rich almost dying enough to come visit him   
> 3\. rich has every reason to be vaguely bitter at everyone   
> 4\. he's got a lot of problems at home that need to be fixed  
> so i wrote this bc i was mad and i love him w all my heart. thanks for reading ilu

When battling quantum nanotechnology, closing off parts of your brain becomes second nature.

It’s an art form, Rich will argue good naturedly. It’s a skill, fine-tuned only when you’ve faced death and come out kicking. it’s something that you practice, hone with both hands and a third eye. He can joke about it all he likes, but it catches up with him when he’s alone.

He’s alone a lot. more than he likes and more than he’d realised.

Even without the ever-present technological buzz, the synthetic seduction that comes with being squipped, living squipped, he second guesses. Rich Goranski is not an idiot. He’s never been stupid and he’s never been blind, especially not when it comes to his own shortcomings. With this constant awareness of his own fabricated aspects comes a heightened perception of everyone else’s, and this is his downfall.

A week or so after halloween night, they tell him he’s allowed visitors. He smiles, thanks them, and keeps the certainty that no one will come fresh in his mind. Sure enough, he isn’t wrong, and the plastic chairs by his bed stay empty, an eyesore in bright blue. It only takes eight days for Rich to come to terms with the fact that none of his friends really mind if he were dead or alive.

This, he reassures himself, does not bother him. Any friendships that he made were forged with false pretences, someone else wearing his skin. Despite still being overruled by the voice in his head, despite the ever-rising number on his hospital bill, despite the looming presence of a man reeking with drink, he’s fine. He’s been on his own before. It just doesn’t phase him anymore.

This lie is all well and good until it’s tested. A nurse comes to talk to him on his third week and it feels so good to hear his own voice again that he almost cries, fingers trembling with the effort. Yes, his throat aches with smoke and desperation and, yes, just the sight of another human being is enough to send warning signals across his skin but he’s fine. He doesn’t need anybody, and no one needs him. They’d proved enough when they hadn’t questioned his sudden change after freshman year. As far as they were concerned, the gawky ginger with a lisp and taped glasses had never existed. 

As far as Rich is concerned, the gawky ginger with a lisp and taped glasses would never exist again. 

Even when he’s out of hospital, living with his brother and pretending he can sleep at night, doubts still plague him. It’s almost as if no one else gets the same fear as he does: a gnawing at his chest and throat, as if he has been bound and left for the rats. They never cared about him before, so what says they care now? Irrational, maybe, but Rich allows himself a slice of irrationality to accompany the shit hand he’s been dealt. No matter the way Brooke smiles at him in the hall or Jeremy greets him with an open palm, they had bigger things to atone for.

The squip ( straight-backed image of his sober father, a sight strange enough to discern from reality and terrifying enough to make him obey ) never lets him forget. That part of his life is over now, he tells himself. The petty way he held grudges will only hinder his already slow recovery. It’s best to start over. He’s totally over it.

When battling the knowledge that your schoolfriends could live without you until quantum nanotechnology, lying becomes second nature.


End file.
